Moving from Guilt to Growth: Shifting Perspectives and Transforming Opportunities as International Parents
By Mirsada Hoffmann
Parenting is a complex journey filled with joys, challenges, and countless decisions. For international parents, these challenges are magnified by the unique circumstances of raising children in a cross-cultural context. The job of parenting is significant, and with anything important, we often question our decisions. Questioning one’s parenting decisions is natural, but it often leads to guilt. Add the complexity of uprooting children, navigating different education systems, languages, and cultures, and the perceived shortcomings in providing stability—especially as it relates to building connections—and the guilt can become overwhelming. However, with a shift in perspective, this guilt can be transformed into growth opportunities for both parents and children. Embracing the principles of emotional safety while leveraging the rich experiences a third culture life offers can foster resilience, adaptability, and emotional intelligence.
Understanding Parental Guilt in the International Context
Parental guilt often stems from a sense of inadequacy or failure to meet certain societal or personal expectations. Identifying the guilt and recognizing what triggers it is the most important step in learning how to manage it. Once identified, it’s important to figure out the message behind it because feelings carry important messages. If we take the time to dig for the deeper lesson or meaning, guilt can truly teach us valuable and important lessons. Guilt may be showing you how you can grow as a parent, or it may be highlighting an unmet need. Learning to identify our own feelings helps us in teaching our children how to identify theirs.
Once you have identified the guilt, you can begin to challenge your feelings and expectations. Is what you are expecting realistic, given the complexity of the international lifestyle? Depending on your upbringing, you may have ideas or thoughts about what you want for your children, but those ideas may be unrealistic based on where you are in your life or in the world. Explore whether you are adding unnecessary pressure and if the guilt is coming from unrealistic expectations. Adding stress and strain to a complex life, which often feels like running on a hamster wheel, doesn’t benefit anyone, especially not children.
Another crucial point is to focus on where you have control. It’s easy to fall down a rabbit hole of “if only” or “I wish I had,” but this line of thinking doesn’t benefit anyone. Start by looking at what is most concerning, or what is causing you guilt in the moment, and begin to make a plan. Focus on areas where you have the ability to make an impact. For example, it’s not useful to focus on dissatisfaction with your location if a move isn’t likely to happen in the near future. However, if part of the dissatisfaction is related to your child’s educational needs being unmet, you can create a plan to address that. It’s important to remember that it’s possible to change almost everything in our lives; it all depends on what change we are willing to make and the time we are willing to wait.
See guilt for what it really is –information. Use the information contained in the guilt to inform you, not control you. Understand that this information allows for awareness, and awareness creates the space for change. This change shifts your perspective, which allows you to use the guilt to guide you on the path toward the change you want.
Shifting Perspectives: From Guilt to Growth
The gift of transforming guilt into growth lies in shifting perspectives not only for you but also for your children. Rather than viewing the challenges of international parenting as insurmountable obstacles, parents can reframe them as opportunities for development and enrichment. This is not to diminish the challenges of raising international children because there can be significant challenges. But instead of allowing the guilt to engulf you, use the information that is contained in the guilt to guide you in building emotional intelligence in yourself and your children.
Embracing and Encouraging Emotional Safety
Emotional safety is the foundation upon which children can build resilience and adaptability. It involves creating an environment where children feel secure, valued, and understood. As you guide your child through international living and help them see the challenges they face as opportunities, you can help them build these critical skills that will help them now as they navigate this complex life and later as they navigate an increasingly complex world.
• Open Communication: Communication is one of the most important life skills that isn’t formally “taught.” Guide your child in the development of this critical life skill. Encourage open and honest conversations about feelings, experiences, and challenges. Let your children express their fears, frustrations, and joys without fear of judgment.
• Consistency and Routine: Routines provide a sense of stability and safety. Establishing routines and family rituals can be comforting, especially amid transitions and changes. Simple routines, like family meals or bedtime stories, can become anchors as other things lack consistency in the child’s life.
• Validation of Feelings: Acknowledge and validate your children’s emotions. Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused about the changes in their lives. Help them build a vocabulary for and understanding of those feelings.
• Modelling Coping Strategies: Demonstrate healthy ways to cope with stress and change. Show your children that it’s okay to seek help and talk about their feelings.
Practical Strategies for International Parents
When navigating the complex emotions of guilt, which can often be accompanied by shame, as an international parent, it’s essential to recognise the power of self- compassion. Guilt frequently emerges when we feel a lack of control or when our expectations clash with reality, leading us to be overly harsh on ourselves. In these moments, focusing on what you can truly control—likely much less than you might initially think—becomes crucial. Acceptance of your limitations and the unpredictability of life can help ease the burden of guilt, shifting the focus from self-criticism to self-compassion. This shift allows you to respond to uncomfortable feelings with kindness rather than harshness, creating a more supportive environment for both you and your children. By embracing this mindset, you not only foster emotional resilience but also model a healthy approach to managing difficult emotions for your children, teaching them the importance of self-compassion in the face of life’s inevitable challenges.
As international parents, transitioning from guilt to growth involves embracing strategies that foster emotional stability and connection within your family. Here are some practical steps to guide this transition:
• Build a Strong Sense of Belonging: Whether through friendships with fellow expatriates or local community members, having a reliable circle can provide both emotional backing and practical advice.
This network not only eases the challenges of international parenting but also encourages your children to engage with their surroundings.
• Encourage Involvement in Local Communities: Participation in local activities such as sports, arts, or volunteer work helps children build meaningful connections and develop a sense of belonging, which is crucial for their emotional well-being.
• Foster a Sense of Safety and Belonging: Engaging in shared activities that strengthen family bonds creates lasting memories and offers your children a stable emotional foundation amidst the frequent changes of international life.
• Seek Professional Support When Needed: When the emotional challenges of living abroad become overwhelming, seeking professional support is not only wise but necessary. Therapists, coaches, counsellors, and support groups can offer valuable guidance, ensuring that both you and your children are equipped to navigate the complexities of an international lifestyle with resilience and grace.
By integrating self-compassion with these practical strategies, you can shift from a place of guilt to one of growth, creating a nurturing and resilient environment for your entire family.
Moving from guilt to growth as international parents involves recognising the unique opportunities presented by a third culture life and prioritising emotional safety. By fostering open communication, validating feelings, and embracing cultural diversity, parents can create an environment where their children feel safe to express their feelings while thriving emotionally and socially. The challenges of international parenting should not be diminished. Finding healthy ways to express, acknowledge, validate, and, if possible, reframe difficult experiences helps children develop resilience, empathy, and a broad worldview. Through practical strategies such as building community and a shift in perspective, international parents can begin to slowly transform guilt into growth, enriching their family’s journey and creating a positive impact on their children’s futures.
