What should I do if my child doesn’t want to go to school?

A Parent’s Guide to Supporting Confidence and Learning

By Sandra Steiger, Education Advisor, TutorsPlus

Many parents at some stage of the parenting journey hear the dreaded words: “I don’t want to go to school.” You can’t help but think, ‘Is this just today’s mood or is there something deeper going on?’ While occasional worries are normal, persistent reluctance to go to school can feel tricky to know how to handle. This article explores the causes of school anxiety, practical strategies for parents, and the role a tutor can play in helping children rebuild confidence and thrive in international schools.

Whether you’ve moved from the national system to an international school, or your family has just arrived in a new country, the good news is that international schools are prepared to support students with these challenges. Having worked in international education for almost 20 years, including as a teacher and Head of Year, and as an international mum of twin boys, let me share with you what I’ve learnt about how to support your child at home and at school.

Understanding School Anxiety

Common Triggers in International Schools

Among the international school community, reluctance to go to school is an issue that arises perhaps even more than in other educational contexts. Many families have uprooted their whole lives to explore new opportunities abroad and are facing the challenges of learning a new language, making new friends and simply figuring out how things work in a new country.

Another trigger that can heighten feelings of school anxiety is academic pressure. The fear of underperformance in academically demanding programmes such as the IB, IGCSE and International A Levels can weigh heavily on students, particularly when they are adjusting to a new curriculum or facing increased expectations.

Social struggles, such as friendship conflicts or experiences of bullying, can also play a significant role in undermining a child’s sense of belonging. As teens transition to placing increased importance on the opinions of their peers, the importance of this social-emotional aspect cannot be understated.

In addition, when special educational needs or neurodiverse profiles are not fully met, children may feel even more vulnerable, which can intensify their reluctance to attend school. In fact, persistent reluctance to go to school was what led us to seek an evaluation for my now 6 year-old. After weeks of coming home in tears because no-one wanted to play with him, with the help of a psychologist and occupational therapist we were better able to understand how his logical and rigid mindset was affecting play. Putting the right strategies in place at home and school resulted in a dramatic shift to loving school more than ever.

Everyday Worries vs Persistent Anxiety

Sometimes, a reluctance to go to school simply comes down to normal nerves for a new school year, or getting back into the routine after a holiday. Perhaps there’s an exam that day or an argument with a friend the previous day that was left unresolved.

However, if the reluctance is daily or recurring regularly, and you see signs of stress in your child’s mood, eating and sleep habits, you’ll need to dig deeper to investigate the root causes and be prepared to work together with the school and even other services to support your child.

What Parents can do at Home

Create Routines and Predictability

Sometimes the dread of getting ready in the morning is enough to make a child not want to go to school. A clear morning routine can help to ease stress. For primary and middle school children, visual check boards are a fun way to remind and complete the morning (and evening) routine. I have found them especially helpful with my neurodivergent child to help him keep focus and aid with processing what needs to be done next.

Another helpful step is to prepare bags, prepare snacks and lunch, and pick out clothes the night before. This is especially helpful for teens who struggle with early mornings. It goes without saying here that making sure your teen is getting the recommended 8-10 hours of sleep a night is fundamental to laying solid foundations for mental and physical health and wellbeing.

Celebrate Small Wins

If your child was reluctant to go to school in the morning, and everything worked out OK that day, celebrate it. Say, “I remember you were a bit reluctant to go to school this morning. And you were really brave to go anyway. I’m glad you had a good day in the end. That’s great!”. Acknowledge whatever they may have done to resolve a situation or face a challenge. Maybe after an international move they only managed to attend one class, or they went to talk to their teacher about a piece of homework they really didn’t understand.

On the World Radio Switzerland Breakfast Show, Alex Marrable, Director of TutorsPlus, emphasises focusing on progress rather than perfection to set children up for success, especially at the start of the new school year. As Alex explains, “It’s crucial to recognise and celebrate successes, no matter how minor they may seem. This boosts confidence and helps children stay motivated.”

Encourage Relaxation and Balance

As part of every child’s routine it’s important to include physical activities to get them moving and calming ones that quieten the mind and promote reflection and processing the day. If your child is persistently reluctant to go to school, perhaps due to an international move, an ongoing friendship conflict or lack of confidence in a certain subject, focusing even more on their physical and mental health is a great help.

Activities like sports and art outside school gives them the chance to do something that brings them joy and spend time with other children in another context, while you continue resolving the school issue. Make space for quiet time, and whatever technique works for them to self-soothe.

Working with the School

If school reluctance is persisting, or you suspect school anxiety , you will want to partner with your school to support your child. As mentioned earlier, school anxiety in the international school context is not uncommon, and your school will have plans in place to support your child whether they’re adjusting to a new school, or struggling with language, academics or peer-related challenges.

Building Partnerships with Teachers

The moment school reluctance or anxiety appears to be persistent, request a meeting with your child’s teacher or head teacher to discuss your concerns. Share your child’s specific triggers and challenges and together you can make a plan on how to better monitor your child at school and put support in place.

If your child has Special Education Needs, you should get in touch with the support Coordinator to make adjustments to their Individual Education Plans (IEPs) and discuss strategies to provide consistency between school and home.

Adjustments That Make a Difference

Some strategies to discuss with your school include making sure your child knows where to find quiet spaces within the school or who are the safe and trusted adults to talk to. If it’s academic challenges causing anxiety, you can discuss temporary adjustments to the academic workload or putting in place extra subject support. Very often simply having these conversations with the teacher can lift the weight of expectation off your child’s shoulders and help them see that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

If you’ve just made an international transition, you can discuss flexible timetables or a gradual transition into attending a full day of school. The school can also set up a buddy for your child, to guide them as they learn their way around and be a point of contact for any questions they might have. If your child has the additional challenge of not knowing the language of the schools’ curriculum, discuss the use of translation tools, or the possibility to do parts of a task in their own language so they can still have the opportunity to express themselves.

When Academic Pressure Fuels Anxiety

The Connection Between Learning and Confidence

When your child feels consistently blocked by an academic topic or subject, this can deal a hard blow to their confidence and lead to a reluctance to go to school. My teenage step-son used to struggle with Maths and had a double period on Tuesday mornings.

Needless to say, it was harder than usual to get him out of bed on a Tuesday! With every passing week, the anxiety about falling further behind compounded the issue. Over the years I’ve worked at TutorsPlus, however, I’ve seen experienced tutors able to unblock this anxiety in just a few sessions.

How Tuition Can Help

A tutor provides personalised sessions in a new, fresh, safe, and judgement-free context. I often receive relieved feedback from parents that the tutor helped diffuse a stressful relationship between them and their teen, especially if homework or exam revision was causing tension or regular arguments.

An experienced tutor can quickly identify knowledge gaps and provide targeted support to lay firm foundations for learning. Very often, the source of anxiety isn’t lack of ability, but lack of confidence and a great tutor is not only skilled in their subject, but in boosting students’ confidence.

Take this experience of an IB Maths Parent, “Our son used to dislike math and his lowest grades were on that subject too. Meera helped make it one of his most favourite subjects by building his knowledge of the fundamentals, and providing the proper learning and analysis methodology that helped him gain confidence and significantly improve his grades and his commitment to the subject.”

Many TutorsPlus tutors have decades of experience over a variety of curricula; IB, IGCSE, A Level, as well as UK, Swiss, French, and other national curricula. As a result, they can assist with curriculum transitions, knowing where your child is coming from and what they most need to know about the new curriculum.

When to Seek Professional Help

Recognising When It’s More Than a Phase

One of the challenges with school anxiety is understanding when to move beyond open conversations about it at home to seeking support from school, tuition or a psychologist. If your child’s worries about school are starting to affect their sleep, appetite, or friendships, it may be time to look deeper. Consistent anxiety, or even refusal to attend school, even with home and school support, signals the need for extra guidance.

Is My Child’s School Anxiety Fuelled by Bullying?

Bullying is a topic that children and teens are not always willing to talk about. It targets deep emotions and evokes feelings of shame, embarrassment and the sort of distress that’s not easy to understand nor discuss – for you or for your child. Establishing trust and open communication in everyday life, by taking the time to listen when they need it, is a great way to build firm foundations to more easily talk about bullying if it should arise.

Online bullying is a common concern in our era. Prevention is always the first step, by delaying your child’s use of social media or online gaming as long as possible. While age 13 is often stated as the age social media can be introduced, many experts advise waiting longer. Alongside fostering open communication between you and your child about it, you can also try ensuring your child only uses social media at a time and place when you’re together in the room, so you can just keep a discreet eye on them and their reactions. Some strategies you can already discuss with your child or teen in advance, is blocking the offender, reporting the off ender or threatening to report them if they don’t stop. Another strategy to try is to simply ignore them and see if they stop when they get no reaction. Make sure your child or teen understands that bullying has absolutely nothing to do with them, and much more to do with something the bully is struggling with personally.

Sometimes, however, this preparation is not enough and it’s important to know the support available to you and your child and seek it promptly.

Getting the Right Support

If you suspect bullying or cyberbullying within the school community, start by talking to your child’s teacher, head teacher or the school counsellor to investigate and make a plan. When I was Head of Year, we had a cyberbullying situation in which we quickly intervened by addressing the topic with the whole year group as well as arranging meetings with the families of the children involved to support everyone, including the offenders, to get the support they needed to move forward.

If anxiety continues related to bullying, it’s important to seek guidance from a child psychologist or therapist who can support your child through their emotions and reinforce strategies that provide defence from the impact of bullying. In the case bullying truly persists, removing your child from contact with its source temporarily, through a social media break or taking a few days off school, may be necessary. Of course, do communicate this with the school and make sure they are part of the plan.

Overcoming School Anxiety Together

Most children will experience some form of reluctance to attend school at some point, but it is important to distinguish between ordinary hesitation and genuine anxiety. Recognising when the issue has become more serious, and knowing who is available to support both your child and your family, is a vital first step.

Patience, consistent encouragement and active listening go a long way towards helping children feel understood. Creating a sense of safety, by identifying trusted peers and adults who can act as reliable points of support, can make a real difference in reducing anxiety. At the same time, involving teachers and other specialised professionals ensures that your child receives the consistent and informed care they need to rebuild
confidence and thrive.