Dealing with bullying as an Expat
“It started with pulling out my hairbands, then progressed to name-calling. The incidents became more and more frequent. I found excuses to spend recreation inside, but this just gave them fuel to call me a geek and a swot. One day, a group of them pushed me to the ground and threw grass and mud on me. One slapped my face. My friends were too scared to help as they didn’t want the bullies to start on them.”
The above situation resulted in months of fear and anxiety. A feeling of dread in the pit of the stomach at the thought of going to school, lousy sleep, nightmares and withdrawal from social activities.
How do I know how bad this feels? This person was me.
Thirty years have since gone by; I am now a mother myself and work in education. When a friend approached me about a bullying situation, it got me thinking about how I should advise her. More specifically, it can be extra challenging for ex-pats who may feel isolated and lack the support or language skills necessary to deal with the situation.
My friend confided that she didn’t know how to help, that she didn’t understand her school’s approach to bullying, and she didn’t feel comfortable approaching her child’s teacher as her French isn’t good enough.
This article offers advice on recognising bullying, practical tips, and even a template letter you can use to approach your child’s teacher.
I hope it helps you feel more empowered and confident in approaching this topic after reading it.
Bullying or teasing?
Bullying exists on a ‘spectrum’ from ‘light teasing’ (not to be belittled) right through to verbal and sometimes physical abuse. So before taking action, it pays to get the facts straight about what exactly is going on.
It’s essential to keep the lines of communication open and make sure your child knows that you are there for them. Children often choose bedtime to offload their worries – a time when us parents are tired and looking forward to an evening of Netflix! Remind yourself how important this is and try your best to offer a sympathetic ear whenever your child chooses to talk – even if it’s not a convenient time for you.
Rather than jumping in and trying to solve the issue, your child can be more helpful to have their feelings validated. Try these responses:
“That sounds tough” “I totally understand why that makes you feel sad.”
“I would feel the same in this situation.”
The STOP acronym can also be helpful to identify bullying.
S – Several
T – Times
O – On
P – Purpose
It sounds like teasing.
Teasing isn’t fun for anyone. However, it is usually best resolved by giving your child the necessary tools rather than intervening directly. Plus, by doing this, you will be helping them build assertiveness and social skills, which will help them through adolescence and adult life.
Teasing toolkit
Visualisation.
Children respond well to visualising words “bouncing off” of them. It can help them to realise that they don’t have to accept or believe what is said. This image can be demonstrated by showing how balloons bounce off a person.
“My daughter and I had a giggle practising this. I bounced a balloon at her whilst calling her ‘tragic’ (this seems to be the current teasing word of choice). As the balloon bounced off her, I could see the effect of the word diminishing.”
Practise your confident voice.
Why not rehearse some quick and effective responses with your child? It’s very empowering for them, and responses like these can disarm the ‘teaser’.
“That makes me feel really uncomfortable.”
“Sorry you feel you have to make comments like that.”
Or perhaps a disinterested voice:
“If you say so.”
It sounds like bullying.
Reassure your child that you support them, that this will stop and that they have the right to feel safe and protected at school, and no one has the right to bully them.
Find out as many facts as you can. Anything involving physical abuse, racial, sexist or discriminatory slurs needs reporting to the teacher immediately. An email followed by a follow-up face to face or phone conversation is usually best. Often children don’t want their parents to get involved for fear it will make things worse. There are some situations where immediate intervention may not be the correct approach, but in more severe cases, informing someone at the school is essential, even if that means going against your child’s wishes.
If you usually communicate with your child’s teacher in another language, it’s best to write the email and prepare for the meeting in this language. Our TutorsPlus language experts have prepared some useful phrases for those based in French and German-speaking countries.
Here is an example of how you might communicate about a bullying situation in French:
Je me permets de vous écrire concernant une situation à l’école qui touche beaucoup à Sarah en ce moment. Il s’agit d’un cas d’harcèlement……
Many schools have an anti-bullying programme in place. KIVA, an anti-bullying campaign launched in 2009 in Finland, is used in over 19 countries worldwide, including many schools in Switzerland. Some schools have a playground buddy system or offer regular workshops for students.
“My daughter’s school has a ‘worry box. Children can write down an issue that is affecting them (anonymously if they wish) and post it to the school counsellor.”
Schools with a structure in place will usually set the wheels in motion straight away. However, in other schools, you may have to work a little harder to get your voice heard. Don’t be put off – you have a right to seek support and advice when your child is being bullied.
Ask for a meeting with school staff.
Rather than heading straight to the top, approach your child’s classroom teacher first and ask for a meeting to discuss the issue.
Jot down in advance the points you want to make. Perhaps have a list of the bullying incidents to refer to, include the steps you have already taken with your child to overcome this, and then the action you would like to see.
It’s seldom a good idea to approach the perpetrator or their parents unless you know them personally (and even then, it’s not usually a good idea). Parents tend to jump to the defence of their child, so you risk creating a conflict that won’t help the situation. Moreover, unless you are 100% sure what’s going on at school (and let’s face it, most of us aren’t), then you risk falsely accusing someone, which will lead to, you guessed it, more conflict. Finally, bullying is an emotional topic, and the thought of a child experiencing it can make parents, understandably, very upset. Therefore, it’s essential to keep your cool to have constructive conversations with everyone involved.
Finally, remind your child and yourself that ‘this too shall pass.’ Thirty years on from my own experience of bullying, I can see that the situation, horrible as it was at the time, has ultimately enabled me to grow emotionally and helped me decide that I want to be a caring person.
With the hashtag #bekind trending at the moment, there has never been a better time for your child to learn that the cool kids are the kind ones, not the bullies.
Helpful phrases:
She is clearly being bullied…..
C’est évident qu’elle est harcelée
Es ist offensichtlich, dass sie belästigt / gemobbt wird…
I believe the perpetrators to be…..
Il me semble que les personnes responsables seraient….
Es scheint mir, dass die verantwortlichen Personen………………sind
We have tried to resolve this together but I feel it’s now time to ask for your support.
Nous avons essayé de gérer cette situation en famille mais il me semble que votre intervention est désormais nécessaire …
Wir haben versucht, mit dieser Situation in der Familie klarzukommen, aber nun habe das Gefühl, dass wir Ihre Unterstützung brauchen…
Author Bio
Based in Geneva, Liz is a student advisor, ex-teacher and Client Manager for TutorsPlus; she is also a mum of 2 and writes about education, ex-pat life and parenting. Check out more articles from Liz here, on the TutorsPlus blog.
The TutorsPlus Team support parents and children with a range of education issues. Our team are here should you need advice on a bullying issue. Don’t hesitate to reach out to us on 022 731 81 48, email us at in**@tu********.com or visit our website www.tutorsplus.com.
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