Beyond “Mum”: Rebuilding Identity After Becoming a Parent 

Written by: Mette Theilmann, HerEdge 

Becoming a parent is one of the most life-altering experiences a person can have. It shifts your routines, your priorities, your relationships, and very often, your sense of who you are.  

Many parents describe a quiet, lingering question in the background of daily life: 

“Who am I now… besides being a mum?” 

This question is not a sign of dissatisfaction. It is a sign of humanity. 

As a Narrative Therapist, I meet countless mothers who love their children deeply while also feeling a growing longing to reconnect with the parts of themselves that existed before nappies, school runs, meal planning, and the endless emotional labour that parenting demands. 

And here is the truth: You are still in there. Your identity didn’t disappear; it simply shifted to make room for an important new role. 

But you are more than one story. 

The Motherhood Story vs. Your Whole Story 

When society talks about parenting, it often paints “mum” as the central and defining identity – as if everything else should fade into the background. This can make you feel guilty for wanting more. But wanting more doesn’t mean you want less of your children. 

Narrative Therapy invites you to explore the many identities that make you who you are: 

  • The creative one 
  • The curious one 
  • The ambitious one 
  • The playful one 
  • The independent one 
  • The sensual one 
  • The intellectual one 
  • The spiritual one 

These parts aren’t lost. They are simply waiting for space again. 

The Future Version of You: Why This Matters 

Here is the news, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, your children will grow up and eventually leave home (hopefully). And when they do, something important happens: The role that once filled almost every corner of your life becomes quieter. 

This is why nurturing a sense of identity beyond “mum” isn’t selfish, it’s essential. You deserve a self that sustains you even when the full-time parenting chapter shifts. 

So, consider this gentle invitation to start preparing for that future version of you now. 

What might that look like? 

  • A course or study that eases you back into a work environment you once stepped away from 
  • A new professional direction that’s whispering to you 
  • A hobby that feels impossible right now because you’re a chef/taxi driver/project manager/mediator all in one 

You don’t need a full reinvention overnight. You can begin slowly. Tenderly. Sustainably. Small steps build a future where your identity feels rich, grounded, and fully yours. 

Your Identity Deserves Space Too

When parents talk about “losing themselves,” what they often mean is that they no longer have space for their own story. Parenting is rich, meaningful, beautiful, but it is also consuming. And when something consumes your time, your emotional bandwidth, your routines, and your availability, it naturally becomes the dominant storyline. 

Narrative Therapy gently asks: 

  • What parts of you feel overlooked? 
  • Which dreams have gone quiet, but not gone away? 
  • What do you miss about yourself? 
  • What stories about motherhood have shaped you, and which ones are ready to shift? 

Identity is not about choosing between motherhood and selfhood. It’s about integrating both. 

Reclaiming Your Identity: Where to Begin 

Here are some simple, accessible starting points: 

1. Reconnect With a Forgotten Part of You 

What did you love before you became a parent? Writing, painting, movement, nature, learning, making things? Give it five minutes today. Five minutes counts. 

2. Create Micro-Moments of Selfhood 

You don’t need two hours to feel like yourself. A quiet tea, a walk alone, a book before bed, put on YOUR music, dance around a bit – these moments matter. 

3. Say Your Identity Out Loud 

Naming things gives them power. Try: “I am a mum and a creative person.” “I am a mum and someone with dreams.” “I am a mum and a human who deserves space.” 

4. Challenge the Single-Story Myth 

If you notice a story like “good mothers sacrifice everything,” ask: 

  • Where did this story come from? 
  • Does it support the kind of mother I want to be? 
  • What alternative story feels more true? 

A Final Note to Every Parent Reading This 

You are not selfish for wanting an identity. You are not ungrateful for wanting more. You are not failing, you are evolving. 

Your children benefit when you are fulfilled, inspired, and connected to yourself. Your identity is not a luxury; it is a lifeline. 

And in the story of your life, motherhood is a powerful chapter…but it is not the whole book.  

You get to write the rest.