The Distance Family Triangle: How Parents Can Be the Bridge Between Grandparents and Children

Written by: Helen Ellis

Expat life scatters families across continents and oceans. Some moves are chosen; others are decided for you. They may range from a one-off, short-term assignment, a nomadic career path, a long-term commitment abroad, or even a permanent relocation.

Every Distance Family forms a triangle—grandparents, parents, and grandchildren— ach living the separation differently. The connectors that hold these three sides together can be a little loose and in need of tightening, or firm and regularly tweaked.

Many distance grandparents are accepting and supportive of their adult child’s move abroad; others struggle. Mostsit somewhere in between. One day their heart aches, and they find themselves bursting to ask a stranger if they may hold their baby. On another, they’re quietly relieved not to be swept up in the exhausting babysitting obligations their local friends often recount.

Expat and migrant parents carry their own emotional load. They know that their decision—or that of a third party’s—created the separation. They want to give their children the gift of global experiences, different languages, and new cultures. Yet they also know their children will not share the same grandparent relationship that
their nieces and nephews back home enjoy.

Some distance grandchildren once lived near their grandparents and later moved overseas; others know their grandparents primarily through screens and airport reunions. Distance Grandchildren are passengers on their parents’ global mobility
journey—they don’t choose the timeline or destination.

For most of the time… for most families, the Distance Family Triangle works reasonably well.

Though my research, writing, and lived experience of “doing distance” with my
own family, I have, however, learned two important things:

1. Some things go unsaid between generations simply because they are hard
   to raise—and opportunities for these conversations are rare.
2. There is always room to do Distance Family life just a little bit better. Small, intentional acts of thoughtfulness create enormous impact.

Let’s explore these two realities.

SOME THINGS GO UNSAID

When I speak with distance grandparents, I often share that one of the strongest emotions expats and migrants (their sons and daughters) feel is guilt—guilt about leaving family behind. Many grandparents are surprised; they truly don’t realise this. I also tell them that their distance sons and daughters often hesitate to share daily struggles, knowing the reply might be, “Well, you chose to move.” Again, this is eye-opening for the folks back home.

Another unspoken dynamic is that many expat and migrant sons and daughters simply want to experience a life different from their parents’—at least for a while. If voiced, this can be misinterpreted as a criticism of home which no parent wants to hear. Yet ironically, these same parents probably encouraged their children to dream big, explore, and seize opportunities. Few families articulate this tension.

As Founder of DistanceFamilies.com and author of the Distance Families book series,
my passion is to gently illuminate these unspoken truths. When each generation understands what life feels like for the others, empathy grows—and empathy strengthens Distance Families.

THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM TO DO DISTANCE FAMILY LIFE JUST A
LITTLE BETTER

Let’s assume you’re already regularly videocalling home and visits happen, in either
direction, whenever good health, time and finances allow.

As the “away” generation, what can you do to help your parents feel even more connected to you and to their grandchildren?

Here are the four most frequent themes I hear.

One-on-one time: the gold standard

Whenever you can arrange it—whether in person or online—one-on-one time between a grandchild and a grandparent is priceless. Group calls are always fun but there’s rarely depth to conversations. The real bonding happens when a child chats privately with Nana or Grandad. Think of them like the chats in the car they would have when if you all lived close and they were asked to do a school run. These moments fuel relationships and deepen connection.

Sometimes it requires planning when you live at a distance. Other times it’s simply
noticing a quiet moment and seizing it. For grandparents, a spontaneous call from a
grandchild feels like Christmas morning.

“No one says thank you.”

I hear this constantly. Your parents’ generation was raised to express gratitude—verbally, in writing, or in whatever form was appropriate. When gifts or parcels go unacknowledged, grandparents wonder whether they arrived at all, or if their gesture meant nothing. Timely thank-yous (from you and the children) make Distance Families hum. Your parents won’t tell you, but they feel hurt when gratitude doesn’t seem to be part of your parenting practice.

“Please open the presents while we’re on the call.”

Whenever possible, let grandparents watch the children open their gifts on a video call. If you lived nearby, presents would always be opened in person. Seeing the moment matters deeply. And if Grandma isn’t fantastic at choosing the perfect gift it becomes a chance to teach your children the art of gracious gratitude. Additionally, next time round there’s an intro to share a few helpful present suggestions ahead of time. Grandparents truly want their gifts to delight.

“I wish they’d make their bed.”

This message always delivers me looks of disbelief and even rolling of eyes. “You
have to be kidding” distance sons and daughters say to me. But it’s the truth. When you stay with your parents, please make your bed. For most of the year those guest rooms remain neat and tidy. It’s what they are used to seeing. Your parents happily accept the chaos of a family visit, but the simple act of making a bed compensates for a great deal of mess elsewhere. They’ll never tell you that!

BACK TO THE SUNDAY MORNING STORY

Remember the two brothers in Geneva? One was happily chatting with his grandad;
the other preferred to follow his favourite sports team. Is this a dilemma for the expat/migrant parents? No.

First, kids are kids and I constantly remind grandparents about this. Even grandchildren who live down the road from their grandparents aren’t always chatty ‘on
demand’. It’s good for expats and migrants to remember that daily life back home isn’t
perfect-perfect… and neither should their own lives be. Perfection isn’t the goal.

Second, the beauty of this scenario is that the New Zealand grandad is enjoying
precious one-on-one time with one grandson. The grandfather’s love tank will
be filled to the brim again. Perhaps next week the other grandson might be more
inclined.

Doing Distance Families requires patience, flexibility, and a good dose of
perspective from all sides of the triangle. There will be golden moments and missed
calls, deep chats and one-word answers – and it’s all part of the journey. The key
is for all generations to keep showing up, without judgement or pressure. Because
when everyone feels safe, loved, and free to be themselves – even across the miles
– that’s when real connections thrive and grow.